27 Things Every Beer Drinker Should Have
Words: Derek Buono
From Beer Magazine Issue #8
I’ll be honest; most of you reading this are men. And odds are you drink beer, or like beer enough to buy a magazine about it. You also could be an angry girlfriend/wife reading to see why your “man” reads a magazine about beer in the bathroom (stop reading). Beer drinkers are a special breed, and there is a list of things every true beer drinker should have. Some of you might have all these things covered, but just in case we’ve created a list of 27 things that all beer drinkers and Beer Magazine readers should have. To be fair, most of these things are for women too…we just like to get our female readers all pumped up!
1. Assortment of Glasses
Okay, we all know that a pint glass is best for beer, but there are glasses that will “church you up” a little and might even make you more attractive. A proper glass is supposed to enhance the flavor and smell of a beer (we’ll admit this might be a little bit of a stretch), so maybe pouring a wheat beer or double IPA into a proper glass will make you a hit with friends and enhance your beer experience.
2. Hangover – The Emergency Kit
We got this idea after attending a tradeshow where we stood around for 10 hours, then went out all night, only to have to be back early in the morning to talk to people. After a long night out with friends most people walk into work with blood red eyes and feeling like they just dug a ditch all day. An emergency hang over kit would include the essentials for you to have that “shower fresh feeling” and look something like a functioning member of society. The kit would include deodorant, a fresh shirt, mouthwash, gum, Advil, eye drops, and some gel for your hair. It would help you look better and smell better, even when you feel terrible.
3. GPS Tracking Phone-“Yo Homie, Where You At?”
Remember those horrible commercials for the cell phones that showed your friends’ locations? They were bad for the “players” out there, but there are times when after a good night of drinking beers with friends you might find yourself lost. You might go home with somebody or just decide to take that 2am walk down the street and find yourself standing at a corner you don’t know. Well, with a GPS tracking phone your friends can find you and save your lost ass from wandering all night, or having to chew your own arm off.
4. One Neon Sign
“Collections” can be strange. Having 132 different neon signs might seem cool, but it’s sort of like an adult having a doll collection. Having no neon beer sign, however, is also frowned upon. Every beer drinker should have one authentic neon beer sign. You might have to get clearance from the wife or girlfriend about where you can hang it, and chances are your sweet neon sign will glow in the garage, but that is where men should be hanging out anyway!
5. Cold Beer in the Fridge
There is a guy code that states “man can’t complain about the kind of beer, only the temperature.” Keeping at least a 6-pack of beer as “back up” is almost a mandatory requirement of XY chromosomes. You’ll never know when a friend might pop in, and there’s nothing worse than offering him some Kool Aid or some three month old OJ to drink. Remember that this 6-pack should be used in case of emergency and not for daily consumption, but also remember that it should fresh, so you will need to rotate stock.
6. One Beer Shirt
Like neon signs, having an entire collection various beer shirts is strange. You should have one beer shirt that you can wear out to dinner or family functions. If you find yourself trying to figure out which beer shirt you should wear, you might want to consider a yard sale or a good old trip to the Good Will.
7. At Least One Book by Michael Jackson (the one who didn’t molest
children…allegedly)
The beer MJ was much cooler than the pop MJ. If you’re really interested in beer or want to learn about beer, check out the late Michael Jackson, one of the few “beer celebrities.”
8. Subscription to Our Magazine
Did we really have to tell you?
9. Grenade Jumper
There are many terms for this, but if you’re out having beers you need a wingman willing to take the leap and cover the grenade. We all have a friend who is willing to take one for the team, so make sure that guy is out with you at all times.
10. A Local Brewery
It’s your job, your mission to find a place that brews its own beer and make it your “hometown bar.” Supporting local business helps everybody, and finding a place that makes fresh local beer is one of the best things you can do as a beer drinker.
11. Drinking buddy
There are only about two things that are fun to do alone, and drinking isn’t one of them. It’s okay to have a beer while you’re waiting for somebody to come over, but if you find yourself drinking alone all the time it might be a problem. Beer is more fun
with more people.
12. Keg-a-rator
Maybe back when calculators cost $130, were the size of laptops, and did math that 3rd graders were comfortable with was the cost of a keg-a-rator an issue, but now is the perfect time to be “that guy.” Other than a 52” LCD TV, a keg-a-rator is the single gadget a guy can actually get excited about. For about $350 you can have the ability to serve
a proper pint and impress just
about everybody.
13. Dart board
Beer and darts go together, just like beer and pool tables, or beer and air hockey—except that a dart board doesn’t need as much space. Just watch your aim.
14. Pocket Size Point and Shoot Camera
Ok, we’ve all been in situations where after a few too many, a buddy may put on a show that is over the top and worth capturing for prosperity. How do you think the lampshade on the head story started? Well, stories like these are even better to relive when you have photographic proof. With help from the world wide Web, you can share your photos with others so that memories can be refreshed and humiliation enjoyed.
15. At least one story that includes the phrase “… and when the cops showed up…”
One of the best parts of beer is sitting around telling stories with friends. Stories can range from the stupid to the untrue, but at least one of your stories should include that phrase.
16. Wall Mount Bottle Opener
I think most beer drinkers have dreamt of having a bottle opener screwed to the wall to allow them to walk by and crack open a bottle without looking for an opener or resorting to using their teeth. You can get some cheap wall mounts at most good beer stores, or you can search out one that’s from a brewery.
17. A Friend That Home brews
Just shy of owning a brewery is the joy in having a friend who homebrews. This is one of the easiest ways to score free beer; what home brewer charges his friends for beer? Just remember, though, they hide the good stuff for themselves.
18. Man Fridge
The main fridge of the house is filled up with useless vegetables, meats, and other “foods” that you need to live. With that valuable real estate taken up by food groups, you may have to find another place to store your beer. The ideal solution is to have is a “man fridge” that’s mainly for the essentials–a variety of beers ready to be consumed. The best place for this is out in the garage out of sight where you can keep a nice stock away from friends looking to invade your personal beer space.
19. Booty Call Blocker
For some reason when the night comes to an end the old cell phone can be your enemy. After a few beers you start to dial the “old numbers.” While there are times and situations where drunk dialing could be good, it’s safe to say that for the most part you shouldn’t go back down that road. There should be some sort of blocking device (CB applications for your iPhone?), maybe similar to a BAC meter, that blocks out the numbers you shouldn’t call after you’ve had a beer or two. “Smart” versions should even be able to connect you to that friend you should be calling at 2am.
20. Bottle Opener on Key Chain
We did an entire article about where we would locate bottle openers if we created the world, but the one place you should have one is your key chain. Your keys are always with you, and odds are that you’ll one day find yourself in a place that doesn’t have one and save the day.
21. A Deck of Cards
Interesting things happen when you mix beer and a game of blackjack, hold ‘em, or the all too famous “dressing room” version of poker.
22. An HDTV with Sports Channels
Man is not complete without beer and sports. Man is great when the sport he is viewing while drinking a nice cold one is in high-def. For some reason, this combination also makes you cheer louder when your team scores.
23. A Friend That Doesn’t Drink
While for the most part people who don’t drink beer might not be trustworthy, the simple fact is they are very valuable when it comes to the ride home. So always have one of those friends on tap to take out…so they can take you home.
24. The Ability to Drink a 12-ounce Beer in Under 3-Seconds
Cars are judged on their speed and so are you. One of the few useful skills you
learned in college was how to drink a beer quickly. Even if you can’t do it now you should be able to offer up the “I used to” phrase and at least attempt to do it again.
25. At Least One “Alternate” Way to Open a Beer
Bottle opener? Who needs one? In our first issue we showed you a bunch of ways to open a beer without an opener. Master one.
26. A Classic/Unique/Funny “Drunken Photo” Pose
While some poses come naturally, your
“go to pose” is something you may have to develop over time and after some research. Nothing is better than picture full of people looking stupid. It’s even better when you ruin somebody else’s special moment with a stupid pose.
27. Designated Memory
After a long night of debating the election, why cars should run on urine, and other ways to save the world, our memories can become be “lost” to say the least. You may have to assign someone to fully remember the night, or at least plan to have a meeting in the morning to piece the night back together.
Lots of cultures include some “right of passage” to becoming an adult. While we’re not up for walking into the forest on Peyote and fighting some wolf to be accepted as men, we are saying that as a beer drinker and enthusiast you should start working on this list so you can look other beer drinkers in the eye.
